Yaro Starak, the Aussie “make-more-money-online-you-dimwit” guru tells me I gotta have pil­lar con­tent for my blog. These arti­cles con­stantly are going to drive unwanted traf­fic to datadirt. And Yaro says that How-to post­ings are a good way to achieve a strong pil­lar effect, so first I wanted to blog about how to blog (how to find the proper topic, that is.), but then it sud­denly hit me: first things first, mate! All post­ings con­sist of proper sen­tences in the first place, so I decided to go on ram­bling about how to write a blog-posting sen­tence. I hope this will drive all des­o­late crea­tures out there — SEO dogs, blog­gers and the like — to my blog for eternity.

Maybe I’ll tell you how to find proper top­ics later on. And thanks for the reminder, but yes: I know that all sen­tences start with words, but I’ll tell you how to find the proper word later. Maybe this is even going to turn into a pillar-content-series. No fillers, promised! (But there’s tons of afflil­i­ate links to come.)

So first, we gotta ask our­selves: what exactly is a sen­tence? Eng­lish teach­ers tell us it’s basi­cally a big or small bunch of words, thrown together in proper order and fin­ished by an infin­ites­si­maly small dot. Or a ques­tion mark. Or an excla­ma­tion mark. Gen­er­ally, it’s a good idea to first choose a proper stop-mark for your sen­tence in order to let the read know that a new sen­tence is about to begin. Once you’ve man­aged to com­plete this extremely impor­tant task, you should now go for…

The first word of the sentence

There are many words, you can find some of them online. But be care­ful: not all words are apt as a start­ing point. Like “crud”, which is a word but yet again a whole sen­tence in itself. Or cunt, which is not so good for more obvi­ous rea­sons. Per­son­ally, I pre­fer words begin­ning with the let­ter A or T, for exam­ple “Asfix­a­tion” or “Tourette Syn­drome”. If you’re totally unde­cided, you can always go with I — but not every time, as chang­ing the so called ferst­werd (author slang) is vital. Some­times it’s even enough to just change the ferst­werd and put add a sim­ple “,too” at the end of your sec­ond sentence:

Asfix­a­tion kind of sounds like ass fix­a­tion. Tourette Syn­drome kind of sounds like ass fix­a­tion, too.

Young sen­tence builder, you’re good to go now: once the first word has been writ­ten down, it’s very easy to com­plete the sen­tence. Don’t get dis­tracted by style guides and know-it-alls you tell you to put focus on the verb. The verb totally doesn’t mat­ter. For the first cou­ple of weeks, “to be” will do:

I am being totally happy. Christ­mas is this year.

That’s what pros call the “onto­log­i­cal writ­ing style”, which is totally uber-important for all pil­lar arti­cles, as you’re try­ing to define some­thing here, right?

Multi-sentenced sen­tences

Once you advance in writ­ing level, you’ll prob­a­bly want to start using com­mas as well. But be care­full though: stick to one sen­tence when­ever pos­si­ble, or you’re bound to con­fuse your readers:

I am suf­fer­ing form asfix­a­tion, I am suf­fer­ing from Tourette syn­drome, too, I decided to write this arti­cle, I hope you are now read­ing it.

Most writ­ers tend to over-use new tools, it’s basi­cally the same prob­lem with peo­ple who start using word and insert a wor­dart graphic on every sin­gle page. Just keep these advices in mind and your sen­tences will rule supremely over any­body else’s!

Wanna know more? Enlist in my online course “How to write other sen­tences than all most other peo­ple.” The course cov­ers a vari­ety of vital top­ics (sen­tences that don’t start with I, other verbs besides “to be” to name just the two most impor­tant ones.) It’s just 300 dol­lars a month, or you pay me 3.000 dol­lars upfront — and you’ll see where this gets you. Just look at me. If I hadn’t paid for my own course, I could have never writ­ten this many sen­tences! And don’t for­get: once you know how to write suc­ces­full sen­tences, the money will come back to you. No, it will flood you. You’ll wish you never made so much money as you gonna need a way big­ger flat to store all your brand-new 100 dol­lar bills. And a big­ger car to trans­port them. And a big­ger anus to stick your own head into, as you gonna be so self-satisfied that it actu­ally hurts.

Don’t even think of blam­ing me if you scheme won’t work. It it doesn’t, it’s purely your fault, you dimwit. Didn’t I tell you to stick to sim­n­ple sen­tences for the first few weeks?